Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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