I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
