the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
