i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Shame - the story of my life.
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