If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
