His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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