it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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