I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
