I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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