literally had 100 drinks last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
