i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
