Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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