Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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