Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My penis needs a shock collar
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
