You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
