Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
