We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
is this the sara with the beer cane?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
