maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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