If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
