when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
