I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Drake has all the answers
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
