Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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