dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Duck Duck Cougar?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
