Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
