I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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