paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
only you would photoshop your dick
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
