i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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