can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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