Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
