Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize