OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
