I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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