Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
