I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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