Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
