Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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