i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
