If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize