Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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