The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
