wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize