Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
