You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
whose parrot is this?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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