it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
