You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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