dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
