If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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