We're like a lot better than the average bears
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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