I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
