I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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