Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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