Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
