Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
