woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
