I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we're making bets on your personal life
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
These tits shall not be calmed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
