I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
