I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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