Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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