just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
