can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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