Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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