She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
