i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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