I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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