The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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