Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
