you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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