I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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