took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
