I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
