Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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