Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
