I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
