I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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