So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
