Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
